HoLij

 Like almost everyone I know, my life is not perfect, but anytime I ever think of comparing my life with anyone else I know, or even those i know of, I feel overwhelmingly happy to be me!  

I read that first line to myself and got the thought that it may sound arrogant or boastful. That's not how I meant it, and i hope with my explanation, now you won't think that either.  What I mean is, I don't want to trade lives with anyone.  I am trying to think now how to expand on that. Specifically, why or how i feel like that.

For me, one key has to be that i have recently started to try to really develop my sense of compassion for others. I now realize that I have sucked at this for most of my life until now. Since trying to learn, I think i have improved a lot. It's amazing to me how it has improved my life in general, and specifically my personal relationships. I think as i have practiced this, one really useful side affect is that I have learned to have compassion for myself!  This is important for me because i have made lots of mistakes in my life.  It's not that i don't hold myself accountable, but I am able to fairly quickly move past any perceived failure. I have realized since meeting my grandson that the clock has started to speed up. Not just when I am with him, but all the time.  As a result of that, I feel I don't have time to waste beating myself up.  There is just no value to it so i choose to think about other things.  

I could very easily list a bunch of things in my life that I am frustrated or unhappy about, but anytime those things come to mind, i automatically replace those thoughts with thoughts of all the unbelievable gifts in my life.  This way, I am using all my time thinking about things I want, and very little time thinking about things I don't want or like.  

Almost forgot to mention the title. Capital L in hoLij.  I am the Luckiest person i know!

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion"

Dalai Lama

Love holij

Race report, excuses and reality

Linda and I Left our motel for the 20 min walk to transition, we were early enough, it wasn't even open yet. After a 10 minute wait, they let us in. My spot on the bike racks was fairly good, relatively close to the exit.  Loaded up my bike with nutrition and double checked all my bike and run gear in bags on ground.  Checked tire pressure and decided i was as ready as could be. Left transition, then met up with Theresa and Brett. Went back in with Brett just for a final check.  One last attempt at emptying my bladder and bowels as they had lots of porta pottys in transition.  Brett and I left transition, met up with the girls and started putting swim gear on. Went for a quick warm up swim and then got into our swim group. (The back of the pack) our official time didn't start til we crossed the timing Mats before the water anyway.  Waited at least 10 or 15 minutes to get to start of swim.  A quick hug and "see you at the finish line" from Brett.  As always for me, first few hundred meters of swim is a bit tough, but wasn't long before i found my rhythm and put my head down. Sun was behind us, so sighting was no problem.  I'm a slow swimmer and started at back of pack, so got to the first turn nearly last. Get around the big turn buoy and start looking for new direction to swim. Took me a few seconds, but eventually saw the row of small buoys to follow and started swimming.  After only a few strokes, I brushed against something solid and thought WTF?  I soon realized it was a support kayaker checking on me.  As I was nearly last, this makes sense. I quickly told her i was fine and just needed to get my bearings.  Put my head down and started swimming again. It was no time and I was being "supported" again. It was a little more difficult to see the buoys in this direction, but not horrible. As my body is lopsided, i struggle to swim straight, even when i can see where i want to go.  Unfortunately, being nearly last and swimming off course, I got a lot of attention from the support people.  Don't get me wrong, i totally appreciate all they do and the race couldn't exist without them, but for me, they were a significant frustration.  I made it clear multiple times that I was fine, just needed to sight. They would leave me for a few minutes, but as soon as I was even slightly off course they were in my way again. One of the worst things they did was frequently cross over the course in front of me. In between me and the buoys i was trying to follow. This made sighting much more difficult as i take a split second to look up with my narrow vision, and all i can see is a stand up paddle boarder right in front of me. Anyhow, got to the next turn buoy and things got worse quickly. Now I was facing almost directly into the sun, very low on the horizon and couldn't see fuck all! And then i was really being supported! At one time, I said to the girl, I can see the outline of two big buildings up ahead....if that's my 12 o'clock, where do i need to go. She told me, head to 10 o'clock. I thought ok, progress.  It wasn't long after that i started to gather more support. One kayak on either side and a stand up paddle board in front... frequently right in my site line.  I cursed my predicament many times over the last two stretches into the sun.  Being forever bumped on either side by kind helpful people who were totally pissing me off, knowing that if they weren't there, I may just be swimming in circles all day. When i finally got close enough to shore to see the swim out, I confirmed what i was looking at with one of the kayakers and then, after thanking them for the support, I said PLEASE get out of my way! As I walked out of the water, i realized i was last or second last and the crowd was wonderfully cheering me on. I turned around quickly to acknowledge the support once more and started my jog up the beach, by this time thinking they weren't going to let me continue because of my time. I got a quick little bear hug from Theresa as i entered transition and I think i almost knocked her over because i didn't see her at all. It was a brief moment of joy for me none the less.  Ran into transition right in front of me. This was a total surprise because we were told we were going to have to run to the left side where the entrance would be. I thought, great, this is better, I'm much closer to my bike here.  That thought quickly evaporated when I was practically tackled by an official and directed to go over to that same corner and run around a pylon before going to my bike.   After saying out loud...why??, I quickly regrouped and did as I was told.  Quick check of my watch told me i had about 7 or 8 minutes to get changed and get on my bike before the cutoff.  Very rushed change, but I made it in time and could hear both Linda and Theresa hollering support as i biked away.  First 4 or 5 km of the bike were eerie. It was as if the whole city of Penticton was shut down just for me. Random supporters at every intersection, traffic all blocked off, not another cyclist in sight!   These same first few km are straight and flat, so other than a few manhole covers etc, i could relax and start spinning. I had time to curse myself for the poor swim performance, but was able to eventually focus on...what next? In the past, I have made the mistake of going out too hard on the bike, and i resolved that, even though i was dead friggin last, i would not do this. My cycling is much stronger than my swimming so i usually start catching and passing slower riders fairly quickly. I think it was 5 or 6 k before I even saw another rider up ahead, but I stuck with my own advice and took it easy. Eventually, I did catch and pass a couple people within the first 10 k. If nothing else, this at least gave me the confidence to know I was on the course! Somewhere around 10 or 15 k, i caught up with a woman who was already walking and was totally puzzled why she was walking. Didn't appear to be mechanical issue and she was on a slight decline... going down hill...or so it appeared! By the time i was beside her, i realized it was a horrible mirage! I was in my lowest gear, standing and pumping for all I was worth. I even commented to her on the way by, how can this be up hill? Luckily it was a fairly short hill and it wasn't long after there were some significant down hills where i could pick up speed and rest, take on fluids etc.  After 8 or 10 k of this though, i started to think.... eventually, there is going to be a bottom to this long hill i am flying down. It actually prevented me from really enjoying it as i should have. Eventually got to the bottom and there were a few small uphills, but also lots of flats. I continued spinning, not too hard.  Passed first aid station, second aid station at about 45k, still feeling ok. About 65k, going down a small hill, I see the beginning of Richter pass up ahead.  All i could think was, holy fuck! That is a monster! Not incredibly steep, but a steady incline for as far as I can see. Just as I got to the base of it, someone on the side of the road shouted, next aid station just up ahead. I knew it should be close and this provided a bit of mental relief from the monster in front of me. I was very quickly in my lowest gear and continued spinning as long as I could, probably only a couple hundred meters before I was standing and pumping tho. I did this for another hundred meters or so, but quickly realized there was no way i could sustain that for the whole hill. While i still could, i twisted out of my pedals and got off the bike and started walking. By this time, i could see the aid station a few hundred meters up ahead so i figured i would walk there and regroup. A couple of the riders i passed earlier crawled past me and each asked my condition before carrying on. In those next few hundred meters, I moved from thinking...is this it for me, do I have the courage to quit here, can I live with that?....to holy fuck, that's just the first half of Richter pass, and i know from studying the maps, there are many more worse hills up ahead. By the time I made it to the aid station, it was clear to me, this was indeed the end of my race. No cheering crowds, no, "you are an Ironman". Just a bunch of incredibly nice, supportive volunteers waiting to care for me and arrange my ride back to Penticton. I had already forgiven myself by the time they put my bike into the back of the truck and, along with a few others, started on the drive back.  One of the others in the truck with me was a 79 year old guy who never stopped talking. I didn't hear perfectly, but I'm pretty sure he said this was his 34th Ironman!!  He was an interesting guy, but unfortunately, i wasn't in the mood for conversation. (later on, while waiting for our next ride, we introduced ourselves and he said " I'm Dick, like dickhead"  i googled him, his name is Dick Ensslen, check him out)  We got dropped off at another aid station and were told we would pick up more people and get a ride the rest of the way in a van. After a bit more waiting, four of us piled into the van with our bikes and finished the trip back. We got to see most of the rest of the course, and it was beautiful....but we all agreed....am i ever glad i stopped when I did! Got dropped off at transition, had to sneak across the race course and walk the 20 minutes back to our motel, in cycling shoes.  By this time, I had already borrowed a phone and notified Linda i was on the way.  When I got to the room, Theresa opened the door and gave me another great hug, as well, my lovely, talented, supportive wife did the same. Then Theresa let me know, she just got word, Brett was pulled off for not making a cutoff.  I immediately felt for Brett, way worse than for myself. He was far better prepared than i, was much further along the course than i, and only missed the cutoff because he forgot to put CO2 cartridges in his kit. When he got a flat, he was forced to wait for bike support to bring him one, and that took just long enough that the officials wouldn't let him continue.  For the past two years, he has dragged me out swimming and running regularly and has always supported me.

When Brett arrived, we had a little sob together, then got cleaned up and all went out for dinner.  Even though i genuinely felt bad for Brett, all through dinner, i mercilessly teased him about needing to learn how to change a tire if he was gonna do Ironman.  He took it in stride though,  like any of my brothers would.  Without him, i probably never would have even got to the starting line.  

So, here's my list of excuses!!!

In the last year, I have had numerous injuries that prevented me from training properly. Just as i seemed to be getting over these, at the beginning of July, I got covid and with it a persistent cough. I tried to maintain some training throughout that, but i think I may have only delayed my recovery and I'm still fucking coughing, especially after any kind of workout. I knew i was not properly prepared, but wanted to try anyway.

 Sighting for the second half of the swim was impossible and exasperated by the well meaning support people. 

I didn't have the right gearing on my bike. I did actually make a recent change to improve it, but the gears i wanted were on backorder so I took what I could get.

I hadn't slept properly since we got to Penticton. My body refused to change time zones. Regardless of when i went to bed, I was up at 230 or 3am. This was only useful on race day when i needed to be up then.

Now those are all good excuses but I'm not using them.  

Here's the two simple reasons I did not finish....I did not train enough and I weigh too much. Simply put, my power to weight ratio is far to low. I don't need any excuses because I can plainly see that reality. 

 My take aways...at my age, I need much more prep time, can't just fly by the seat of my pants. Also, I've got the most supportive people in the world all around me. All your kind words and encouragement keep me alive, stumbling head first into whatever is coming next. Thanks much and love you all 

"Being honest with myself is something I like. I am happy that I don't make excuses when I make a mistake. This is a good way to improve in the fastest way."

Charles Leclerc 

Love Holij 

Yes I'm still alive

 Have had the thought recently that I might have something useful to share here.  I'm not going to commit to anything, except to do as I feel.  You know, pretty much like I always do!

One thing that keeps coming to mind is planning.  I've realized recently that I plan almost nothing!  Other than a general idea of the end goal, I almost never plan things step by step.  If I have a particular goal, I figure out the first step and do it. As I'm doing that step, I may contemplate what's next, but again, only in very general terms.  I know very well that this is not the best or most efficient way to accomplish goals, especially larger ones, but it seems to be a deeply rooted part of who I am.  I'm not sure but think I may have inherited it from dad, or maybe it's a left handed thing, but he was left handed as well, so who knows?  

My lack of planning extends to almost all aspects of my life, and, overall I don't think I have suffered as a result.  Proposing to my wife was a bit of a spur of the moment decision made after I returned from a great road trip with brother Bill.  It cost me $1000 at the time, but that is another story.  Our next anniversary will be our 35th!  I shut down my business in 2011 with no idea what I was going to do next.  A week later, I was employed at a former competitors, and it has turned into the best job I've ever had.  I work with 5 other guys, and have no doubt that the 6 of us could run the world if asked to, and we would have fun doing it!  I ran an ironman in 2015 having taken up the sport only 3 years earlier. I got the odd piece of advice from Peter and Brett, but had absolutely NO plan.  I simply took the first step, then figured out what the next step was.  More recently, I acted on a thought that has floated in my mind for some time. I decided to turn the upstairs of our garage into an apartment for one of the girls.  With the exception of a couple of big jobs, (concrete floor and spray foam insulation) I'm doing it all myself.  Framing, plumbing, electrical, finishing, flooring, all one step at a time. No blueprints, no permits, lol, just flying totally by the seat of my pants.  I admit again this is not the way to do things, and does from time to time cause a bit of stress.  The stress however is almost completely due to factors of timing and need, and not directly related to my lack of planning.  The job is roughly half done right now, which is at least as far as I expected to be at this point in time.  Concurrently with making an apartment out of thin air, I'm also training for another Ironman!  

I have untold resources available to me. Brett has offered a copy of his plan, I have at least two books peter gave me on training, there are lots of free plans available online, but you've guessed by now, I have no actual plan.  Yes, I'm working out, a lot, but believe it or not, it's almost 7pm as I write this, and I still haven't decided what I'm doing tomorrow!  I'm fairly sure Peter would be both astonished and appalled at this lack of planning, and maybe deep down, even a bit jealous.

I think there may be a few reasons why I do this. One that comes to mind right away is that having no plan gives me absolute freedom.  If I get up early and work my ass off tomorrow morning, I will feel really good about it the whole day. If however, I'm tired and lazy in the morning, it's ok, because I didn't have anything planned. If an opportunity presents itself, or an obstacle gets in my my way and I end up doing something completely different, again, oh well.  I can change gears on a moments notice and just go with life's ebbs and flows.   It occurs to me now that this freedom derived from no plans may be one of the reasons I'm so happy?  I have developed very good habits of forgiveness. I can quite easily forgive others who hurt me, because I'm well aware of my own imperfections and mistakes that hurt others. I think more importantly though, I am very good at forgiving myself.  I think the freedom I allow myself somehow facilitates this self compassion.  The only thing I owe myself is to do the best I can in any moment. Beyond that, it's all gravy, and I love gravy.

Often when I get in a car with someone who's giving me a ride, they will apologize for the mess on the floor or the pet hair on the seat or tell me I can adjust the seat etc.  My response is always the same. I tell them, no worries, I'm a professional passenger, and that's how I like to think of myself.  I went looking for quotes and this one jumped out at me.

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

Lao Tzu 

Love Holij

If you ain't Dutch....

I have always been fairly proud of my Dutch ancestry.  I don't really know why other than I think we have some successful traits. Even some traits that others may hold against us can be thought of in this way.
 I give you stubborn and cheap as two good examples.  I am confident my obstinance makes me a very difficult person to live with from time to time. I am equally confident, that my habit of continuing to try in the face of failure, brings me great rewards. When something is really important to me, I am simply too stubborn to admit defeat.
For me, it's a little easier to see being cheap as a positive trait, maybe because the world is so dollar centric? Regardless, I claim this as my own as well.
As I wrote this, I realized that these two traits actually combined to provide a third much more positive trait.  I think I am also quite resourceful as a result of being cheap and stubborn.
Although all of that may have seemed like just John beating his chest, it's really just the intro for this project I did last week.
One of the things I inherited from mom and dad when I bought their house was an extendable aluminum pole/handle that could be used with paint rollers or brooms etc. It extends to almost 18 feet and has been used many times around the house since I acquired it.  Last year, it broke while I was using it with a push broom for sweeping the driveway.

As you can see, the narrow threaded part broke off the end. Well most non-dutch would be sad and throw the handle away, not this guy. The minute it happened, I thought fuck...oh, but I can fix that. I carefully stored the broken piece where I could find it later. Last week, I wanted to use it again, so I went at it.
The method I used was my second idea, but it turned out great. Have a look.

I had to drill both sides to fit the expansion bolt, but I'm positive it is stronger now than when it was new. I purchased no material as I had the bolt laying around. It took me approx 20 minutes from start to finish. These handles retail over 100 bucks!  Can you tell I'm proud! Of my stubborn determination, my cheapness, and most of all, resourcefulness! Some of these things stereotypically Dutch!
Ok, time to get back to today's title. I'm sure most of you have heard ... "wooden shoes, wooden head, wouldn't listen" or, "cheaper than a dutchman" or perhaps the joke? "How was copper wire invented?" ..."it was two dutchman fighting over a penny!"
Anyhow, I really like the punchline that follows today's title.
If you ain't dutch, you ain't much!

"There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot."
Scott Adams

Love Holij

Value

I place value on almost anything. I was cleaning the garage today. Its just a dirt floor so, not clean. I heard a noise that alerted me to something under one of my feet. It was a kind of a metal sound, like coins falling on a hard surface. I looked and couldn't see anything, so I started searching by just moving one foot slightly above the ground, in the area. Eventually, I heard the sound again and pinpointed its precise location. I bent over to feel around and came up with about half of a wire coat hanger. It was still solid, but quite rusty. It has obviously been bent into a specific shape to use as a tool or fetch of some form. My first thought once I identified it was "oh, I can use that!".
For some reason, this caused me to wonder if that relates to my ability to be happy? Or, maybe not? Maybe it's just a sign of the hoarder in me?  After a brief internal struggle, I folded it up and threw into the garbage. I'm sure the other half is hanging on a screw beside my tool box, bent into some other useful tool shape!

Forgiveness isn't just the absence of anger. I think it's also the presence of self-love, when you actually begin to value yourself.
Tara Westover

Love Holij

All things have beauty

I walked the dogs this afternoon, around our block and through a familiar path to the next block.  There is an older woman who lives beside the path who always has the most awesome garden.  I have walked this path hundreds of times and always enjoy checking it out. It is obvious that she puts a lot of effort into it.
As is often the case, the sight of this beautiful garden moves me. I cannot help but feel a wonderful sense of joy and peace. It's almost as if I can commune with the flowers. i don't know how better to describe it. It's has been a few hours now and I'm still high!
That's it! I feel incredibly fortunate!

...but not everyone sees it!"
Confucious
Today's quote started in the title in case u didn't get it.
Love Holij

Outdoors

I find myself at this moment, sitting on my back deck. My back is toward the house so I have a great view of my back yard.  I tend to think that my back yard is a great view all on its own!
So I'm sitting here drinking coffee, by myself. Normally I would have music playing, but I'm so lazy, I haven't even made the 10-step journey over to where the radio is to turn it on. In case you are wondering, how did he get his coffee? My lovely and talented wife delivered it to me.
What strikes me is just how peaceful it is to look at nature! I suspect it has something to do with having grown up on a farm, or having been offspring of people who grew up on farms?  When I look over my "kingdom" so to speak, I am awestruck! I have had this view for a number of years now, and not only does it never get old, it continues to improve with age! I am so fortunate that I have the opportunity to sit here and be amazed at all the beauty that surrounds me. The beauty may seem everyday or ordinary to lots of people, but I somehow feel great pleasure communing with it.
I guess I lied about being alone.

"Looking at flowers, simple things in life. I don't need to look at gold and a castle; sometimes its very simple things that are very beautiful. I am keeping my eyes fresh to find beauty in many places, and in gold, too, sometimes!"

Francois Nars

Love holij