My Commute

By most peoples standards, I probably have pretty well the best commute in the world.  I can walk from my front door to the door of my office in just over 3 minutes.  If I run, I can make it in 2.  Like many other aspects of my life, it is quite idyllic.  I walk along 2 very quiet peaceful residential streets until I get to highway 6.  After I cross the highway, it is only a few steps to my work.  There are times, especially in the morning when I can just keep walking right across the highway without having to even stop for traffic.  There are other times though when it seems like the world is conspiring against me and the flow of traffic coming from one side only stops at exactly the same time as it starts in the opposite direction, and it takes forever to cross.  I will admit that, over the years, I have had a few close calls with cars that I didn't see because of my poor vision, but overall I feel fairly comfortable, even though it can be a busy road.  What I have learned to do is scan slowly from side to side as opposed to looking one way and then quickly looking the other.  Another trick that I sometimes use, is to cross the road one lane at a time.  There is a set of stop lights on the highway just past where I cross so when it is really busy in the evenings, I can often just walk between the cars that are stopped for the light on one side and then stop between the two lanes and then I only have one lane to cross.  I do have a peculiar situation that I want to tell you about.
As I mentioned, it is often busier on my walk home and that is when I have the greater challenge.  I am crossing at an intersection, but not the intersection with the lights.  When it is busy, I will walk up to the corner and start scanning, looking for my opportunity.  There have been lots of times that one of the motorists on the side closest to me will actually stop to let me proceed.  They often hold up traffic behind them, just to be courteous to me. 
Well I suspect this may surprise some of you, but this really bugs me!  Not that I don't appreciate the friendly gesture, but I feel it puts me in a very dangerous position and it scares the hell out of me.  Here is what I am thinking when this happens.  First, it takes me longer than most to realize with any confidence that they are indeed waiting for me and want me to proceed, so by the time I commit to going, they must be thinking, "hurry up buddy, I can't hold this traffic for long".  This automatically makes me think that in order to graciously accept their gift, I should get moving, much faster that I am comfortable with crossing the street.  Enough close calls has taught me, slow is better for sure.  Besides this feeling of having to rush, I am also completely uncomfortable because I have no idea what other cars may be coming from what other directions, including from the side street where I am crossing.  I have had it once or twice when I thought someone was stopping for me, only to realize at the last second that they were actually stopped to allow the traffic beside me from the side street to get onto the highway, and only avoided being hit by pure luck.  This may sound strange, but I feel that when someone stops and motions me to cross the road in front of them, they are actually taking, no, stealing my responsibility for myself from me.  They are in effect saying, it's OK for you to cross the street, when they are only controlling one lane of four potential lanes of the intersection.  Even though they are saying this with their actions, they cannot guarantee me safe passage and it is still my responsibility to navigate the rest of the crossing.  One time, after he motioned me to cross, a younger guy in a pickup truck actually shouted at me after I crossed.  "Hey, don't say thanks or nothing"  He was angry that I just got the hell out of the way and didn't take the time to acknowledge his good deed.  Hilarious to stop for someone and then get angry when they don't say thanks, but then I guess he didn't realize I feared for my life.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, I just thought you may find the different point of view interesting.
 
"A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way."
 Allen Klein

Love Holij

I am NOT always right!

I am sure some close family who know me well, will be double checking to be sure they are in the correct place after they read the title of today's post.

I am not trying to brag, so please try to read on. 
I can remember being one of the first few people in my grade one class who was able to read basic words with relative ease. I don't ever remember struggling with any subject at all through grade school, and if there was a timed test or assignment, I would never run out of time.  I remember once in grade 7 or 8, Crow, (Sister Mary Lourdes) decided to punish me for something by giving me two or three pages of math problems.  I am pretty sure I hid my laughter because it was so easy, I actually found it fun! I'm not trying to torture anyone who struggles with math, but it always came fairly easy to me and that is probably why I always enjoyed it.  In high school, the cutoff mark for being exempt from writing final exams was 70 percent. Back then, I needed 27 courses to graduate, and I know for a fact that I was required to write 2 exams total.  I never did any homework at home. If there was anything that had to be done, I would do it during brief pauses in class, or breaks, or while I waited for the bus. The 2 exams were only as a result of some serious lack of attention as things were so easy, I was getting bored.  I have always, until fairly recently at least, had quite a good memory.  Later, when I eventually went to college and applied myself, I got even better grades, again with relative ease.  For those of you who are cursing me now, let me get to the point.  All this scholarly advantage has led me into a personal trap that I struggle with today.
I developed the habit of always being right! At least of always thinking I was right, even when I wasn't. That along with my stubborn Dutch heritage has helped me to become arrogant and dismissive of others ideas, just because they were not my own...that can't be the best way to do it, because I never thought of that!  I can remember years ago, as an adult, having a conversation that turned into an argument, because I couldn't, wouldn't back down on what I knew was right, even after I started to have internal doubts about what I was trying to prove. Imagine, having a discussion about something and in the middle of it, you realize your position is not correct, but you are unable to admit to the other party for fear of being wrong!
The real problem this has caused is needless arguments and friction with bosses, employees, friends and loved ones. 
It has only been more recently that I have become aware of this at all and that has lead me to start trying to correct it.  One of my staff actually pointed it out to me and then more recently, a conversation with my family confirmed it for me.  It has been quite a revelation for me, but fortunately, I think I am already making progress to try to correct this.  Another person with the same affliction even taught me a little trick to allow me to extricate myself from one of these situations with a bit of grace.  He told me, all you have to say is "your probably right".  This allows me to hang on to whatever idea I believe to be correct, while at the same time giving the other party the belief that they are correct.  No losers right!  Well, not really.  I have caught myself using this a fair bit, but now believe it is really not much of an improvement at all.  Every time I catch myself using this, I now immediately rethink what I am saying and try to react appropriately.
All this has lead me to the realization that at age 55, I am NOT always right, and I DON'T know everything!
That's it, that's all I was trying to say.
 

"I've occasionally been wrong about certain things, which is in a way more delightful than being right."

Jaron Lanier

Love Holij

Forgive Me

Yesterday I suggested that apologies are for the person giving the apology.  In my opinion, the exact same thing applies to forgiveness.  Forgiveness benefits the person who is doing the forgiving and does little or nothing for the person who is being forgiven.  When I came to realize this, I also realized this means that my forgiving someone should have nothing to do with weather or not they have apologized!  The one little exception to this rule, and yesterday's, is when it comes to forgiving yourself. Or is it?  It's not really different at all, because, if you can forgive yourself some indiscretion, you actually get the benefit of forgiving, AND apologizing!

What I have come to believe is that forgiving yourself is just as important if not more than forgiving anyone else.  I am not completely sure why this is so difficult for some, but I am confident it is mostly just habit. Like any other habit, it can be changed with conscious effort.  To me, what it all comes down to is focus.  If you can accept that giving, both apologies, and forgiveness, is to YOUR benefit, and not the other party, you will gain an incredible freedom to forgive yourself.  I have found this freedom is very liberating and does as much to improve my peace as anything.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you"

Lewis B. Smedes

Love Holij

Apologies

I hope this comes across the way it was intended, but I am not sure I have done a good job of making my point.  I did want to mention one other thing.  I have changed the comment rules so anyone can comment without having to sign into an account.  Just click on the drop down and choose anonymous.

If you can, help me to understand, what is the reasoning behind, or purpose of public apologies to certain groups of people? I just don't get it. Why does the current gov't need to apologize on behalf of me, to First Nations for residential schools?  

Let me be clear, I get just how egregious and outrageous these tools of society were. Some of the things that took place there were very obviously crimes and damaged countless lives.  What I don't get is why anyone thinks that my gov't and by extension, I, am somehow responsible for this horrible atrocity of our collective ancestors?  I feel this way especially in regards to past wars or conflicts of any kind, particularly when the Victor somehow becomes responsible for every ill the conquered suffers forever.  There are lots of other examples of the same thing, this is just the first, simplest I could come up with.  

Here's my thoughts.  How does this apology change anything? It's not even from the same people who committed the original harm, but their descendants.  In effect, I am being asked to apologize for something that is completely foreign to me and my experience about something that happened when I was a baby! Not only was I not involved but all of society at that time was completely different than it is now. Corporal punishment was also common in other schools at that time, it was a different world.  How does this apology help anyone?  I think it's nothing more than theater, both for our manipulative politicians and those who think they have suffered more than most.  I am not saying that all apologies are useless and uncalled for, but what I do think is they are unnecessary, especially for those who feel harmed. They are also pointless when they are delivered by the leader of any group.  When you think about it, an apology is more about absolving the offending party of their sins than helping the offended somehow heal.  Not to mention, an apology is even more meaningless when the offending party continues to engage in the same things they are apologizing for. Case in point, the Catholic Church! I was lucky to escape their abuse, but can't imagine an apology from the Pope would change anything, especially when the abuse and coverups continue.

A bit of clarification may be in order.  Two different points I am trying to make.  1. An apology is completely unnecessary for the offended to forgive, but does more to allow the offender absolution.  2. Apologies by the leader of any group to another group are meaningless and pointless, and again, unnecessary for the offended.  Now I would guess that some people agree more with point 2 than point 1, and I am going to try to be more concise. 

If I unintentionally or carelessly hurt someone and I become aware of this, I will apologize, quite possibly more than once, to ensure proper delivery.  This apology is for MY benefit!  It helps me to feel better about myself and allows me to forgive myself for the mistake that I have made.  If someone unintentionally or carelessly hurts me, an apology does nothing to change the situation for me.  It is already over, and requiring an apology in order to forgive, just exposes my insecurities, and actually draws out the time it takes for me to recover.  To me, if the offender really wants to demonstrate change, a much more meaningful reaction would be for them to act differently under similar situations moving forward.

Let me know what you think.

I have a sort of companion post for this one, but I will save it for another day.

“Apologies are great, but they don't really change anything. You know what does? Action.”

Stella Young

Love Holij

 

 

 

The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/unknown_159550?src=t_motivational

Here's a little proof for yesterday's post.

Hello everyone! Most of you that read this will know exactly who I am. I happen to be John's eldest daughter. He had asked me a few weeks ago to write something up so he could post it. I'm not going to lie to you I was, and still to some degree am extremely hesitant to do so. Now, let me explain a bit about why this is, and who I am. I have suffered for a s long as I can remember from both depression and anxiety, more specifically social anxiety. As far as I have come, in regards to finding coping mechanisms, putting myself out there like this is very hard to do. Clearly there's still a lot of work I need to do, but I'm trying. The reason I finally decided to do so is because I want to raise a bit of awareness, and also share some things I have found to be very helpful. Now I don't claim to be some kind of expert, nor do I think there is any one solution for anyone. If anything, I'll sit here give you some ideas, and then tell you that regardless DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU! 

I think I want to start by explaining some stigma around the word depression, and anxiety. Here are some of the many things people assume, and maybe even say to your face when they might not fully understand what it is you're struggling with:

•You have no reason to be depressed, so as far as I'm concerned you're just acting this way to get attention.

•Stop being overdramatic.

•Why are you tired all the time?!

•Just get over it.

•Grow up!

•It's all in your head. (This one makes me laugh a little because it literally is in my head, it's a chemical imbalance IN MY BRAIN!)

Let me tell you right now, I don't care who the hell you are, these are not okay things to say to someone who is struggling. The reality of it is I don't have a whole lot of control, if any, when it comes to when I start to feel depressed. I can really only try to curve my thinking. I don't need some horrible home life, or some traumatic thing to happen to me in order to be depressed, or anxious. Which I have been through something traumatic at a very young age, in case anyone was wondering!! It is a condition in which it is passed down through genes, and just because you may not understand it doesn't mean it's not extremely real. On the outside I seem to be put together, hell I believe I have even fooled some family members to believe I have my shit together. What they don't see is I am terrified to sleep alone almost every night, or even to leave the house.  I can't believe how I've screwed up so many decisions that I have been single for well over 6years, still living with my parents, and my eating had gotten so out of control that I'm over 200lbs. I am almost always beating myself up for even the smallest mistakes. I cry more then your average person, and I try to hide from the world as much as I can. As I still struggle with these exact things I can at least sit here, and say I struggle through them without medication. Please don't take this as I'm saying you shouldn't take medication. Just in my particular case medication actually makes my anxiety worse. Anyways enough about that nonsense. A few years ago I decided I was tired of being in a customer service position that I was miserable in, and there were some very big goals that I had for my future that I wanted to make a reality. Rally what I wanted to do was finally say to the universe FUCK YOU, you've kicked me down enough, I'll make it happen myself. I also started to find some amazing ways to help cope with the every day struggle between me logical brain and my not so logical brain. I wanted to find ways in which I can be working, helping others, but also working on my mental health at the same time. I started with massage therapy, no I'm not a massage therapist, at least not yet anyways. After I graduated I had two big provincial board exams I needed to pass in order to get my license. Unfortunately I failed the one test and will have to retake it in May. I can't even explain how incredibly depressed and anxious I had become since getting those test results back. Once again a struggle between my logical brain, and my not so logical brain. After a couple of hours of crying I made a few emails and sent them out asking for help for the next time I get a chance to take the test. I also started to inquire about some other forms of education that I figured could be my back up if all else fails, but also what would have been in the original plan anyways. This extra education would just become a reality earlier then I had expected, and others would have to wait. Yoga instructor training was next. Yoga has saved my sanity more times then I can count. Not only is it physically challenging, but also a great way to connect to the universe or your spiritual side (if that's what you want to do with the practice). In no way is yoga a religion, but for someone like me who is more pagan/wiccan it's a great way to help learn to meditate.  It's calming, and you're so focused on holding the poses that everything else melts away. Next was Indie Head Massage aka Champissage. I didn't really know what it was until a friend brought it up to me. It has essential oils, it has massage to the head, upper back, shoulders, and face, and it has energy work. I thought massage therapy left you feeling like jelly, I couldn't believe how awesome I felt after an Indie Head Massage. I don't remember the last time I felt so at peace. Of course at the moment I am also working on getting my hot stone therapy certificate. I love the heat, and how it can help you feel relaxed. Are you seeing a trend yet?! 🤓 My coping mechanisms aren't always the best, but they work (most if the time).  Helping others, movement meditation (or just quiet meditation), food (depending on what kind of food it's not a horrible coping mechanism), and having a goal to work towards. Don't get me wrong those are only a couple of the things I do to cope, but it's a start. The thing about coping is you need to figure out what works for you. Taking a hot shower, using an essential oil defuser, taking a walk, or talking to someone. Just know that crazy isn't a bad word, it makes you more interesting. You've got this!! 💛♥️

Love Jessica

"Having two daughters changed my perspective on a lot of things, and I definitely have a newfound respect for women. And I think I finally became a good and real man when I had a daughter."

 Mark Wahlberg

Love Holij

Legacy

I often make notes for myself when I am in a reflective mood.  The other day I was thinking  about my life and what I've done with it.  Sometimes I think that my thoughts can be in two completely different places at the same time. For instance, I always want to improve, mostly myself, but generally my lot in life as well. At the same time, I am almost always satisfied and comfortable with myself and where I am. I'm wondering if that is one little key to my peace?  Somehow this ability to host two different, almost contradictory thoughts simultaneously helps bring about this peace. I do from time to time emphasize one of these over the other, but generally for me, they stay quite balanced.  I'm confident that my constant practise of controlling the things I think about is at least partially responsible for this balance. One small example for me may be this.
 Like many people, parenthood has always posed challenges for me. When my girls were younger, I felt it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to make sure they were taken care of physically. The time and energy I put into this meant there wasn't much of me left to actually spend quality time with them. I suppose that is one regret I have to live with. I forgive myself right now though because of this competing thought. When I think of what my legacy is going to be, I need only think of my children to be completely satisfied. Like everyone, they have their own struggles, but if I compare them to myself, I can quickly see they are better in every way! Right off the bat, they are fortunate to have some of their mom's looks, and after 30 plus years she (their mom) still turns me on whenever I look at her!  Not to mention, they are both smarter than I am, they have an incredible work ethic, and they have created opportunities for themselves that I never had.  If something were to happen and I was dead tomorrow, oh well. I already know I have left the world better off than when I arrived just by virtue of these beautiful intelligent women I call my daughters.

"I think daughters can change the perception of their fathers."
Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Love Holij